Things that
Professor Snape is no longer allowed to do at
Hogwarts:
By excessivelyperky
Dedicated to
the creator of www.skippyslist.com
And thanks to
Scott Jamison for his contributions!
Not allowed to sing
"Black Powder and Alcohol" to the students. Especially
not allowed to substitute ingredients that will result in napalm and
methamphetamine instead.
Crucifying
toads. Bad
idea.
Not allowed to
collect blood and/or hair samples from students or staff for potion-making.
This includes Mrs. Norris.
Not allowed to train
Hagrid's pets into biting Gryffindors.
May
not call any members of the Ministry of Magic untrustworthy, corrupt slime. Not even Fudge. Ok,
especially not Fudge.
Even if I still have
the receipt for the last bribe I gave him from Lucius.
Must never tease
Trelawney about what she puts in her incense.
May
not sell any Weasley into slavery.
Gozer does not live in my supply cabinet. You'd be
surprised what does, though.
The
I cannot trade
McGonagall to the Death-Eaters for McNair, Avery, and a player to be named
later.
"Poppy" is
Madam Pomfrey's nickname, and not what she dispenses.
May
not conduct psychological experiments on staff members or students.
I should not confess
to crimes that took place before I was born.
While under Veritaserum.
'To conquer the
earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long-term goal to give Lord
Voldemort.
Rodents are not
entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties
of war". Not even Pettigrew.
Not allowed to add
'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of
answers I give to a question Dumbledore asks me. Only Trelawney gets to do
that.
Not allowed to
purchase anyone's soul on school time.
Must
wash my hair even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.
Must
not taunt the Hufflepuffs.
Not allowed to
appeal to mankind's baser instincts in Death-Eater recruiting posters. God only
knows why.
Not allowed to put
up Death-Eater recruiting posters on school property, not even in the Slytherin Common Room.
May
not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain(s) of command. Neither Dumbledore nor Voldemort
have any sense of humor about that.
It is better to beg
forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Professor Snape.
There are no evil
clowns living under my bed.
Except
Peeves.
Nerve gas is not
funny, not even at a Dark Revel.
Must
not tell any Death-Eater that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's
true.
May not hold sky-clad rituals in the Great Hall, no matter
how much more convenient it is than the actual sky.
Visiting Irish
wizards are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.
Potions Class should
not end in tragedy.
I may not produce or
perform in "Hogwarts: The Full Monty". Nor may I encourage any
student or staff to do so.
Not even Madam
Hooch.
May
not use Harry Potter as a body shield if Voldemort
invades the school.
May
no longer decorate the Great Hall for any function.
May
not give Professor Sprout any plant named "Audrey".
May
not feed Longbottom to "Audrey".
May
not bring Moaning Myrtle as my date to the Yule Ball.
May not put banned
substances on the Gryffindor Quidditch brooms just before a match (see attached
list).
May
not encourage Fred or George Weasley to boobytrap the
Sorting Hat.
May
not bring Longbottom to any Death-Eater function in the hopes he will 'fix' Voldemort's latest potion.
Even
if the resulting explosion will leave a smoking crater a quarter-mile in
diameter, thus resolving at least two of my major problems.
May
not taunt Lupin at Christmas time by singing
"Silver Bells", repeatedly.
Or send Sirius Black
a flea collar in Extra Large. Though he could use it.
"Dances with wolves, sleeps with fleas".
When asked to give a
few words at a ceremony or staff meeting, 'Romper Bomper
Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate.
Besides, that's
Dumbledore's job.